Am I bad at dating or just bad in bed?

So, I just got a text from – I shit you not – Mr. No Name, yes, the guy who I called obnoxiously persistent two years ago, which was two years after we first met. It wasn’t totally out of the blue, he’s been texting me for a few months, he met my dad at some networking event and saw that as a way back in, but hasn’t really asked me out or anything.

To figure out just how long this dude has been hanging around, I found this blog. Yes, I actually had to search because I didn’t even remember the name, then I had to try about 15 username/password combos to get in.

FOUR YEARS. And that’s just since No Name. He was kind of in the middle of my dating renaissance – my ADULT dating life if you will.

I read through some old posts, laughed at the guys I’ve dated, laughed at myself (damn I’m funny) and then realized, holy hell, HOW have I possibly been doing this for this long?! How bad AM I at dating? Apparently two-and-a-half years ago, I had a similar WTF moment.

I saw this PostSecret the other day:

I hadn’t really considered that, but now I am too, thanks a lot.

Obviously Buzz and I found stuff to fight about and broke up. That was about six months ago. I was the one who instigated it and I knew the relationship was over, had dealt with it even before we officially broke up and he moved out (yeah that part was not fun), but I haven’t really dated since then. Haven’t gone back online, haven’t gone on any manhunts, haven’t worried if men were checking me out and thinking I was cute. I would say I haven’t really even checked for wedding rings upon meeting men, but come on, that’s like second nature.

I HAVE gotten back to running and yoga and the gym, which I love. I started reading again. I traveled and spent time with my family and friends. I also dreamed of moving away. I think that was a big part of why I wasn’t interested in dating. I didn’t want to meet anyone in Arizona because I didn’t see myself staying here long term. And now I’m not. I’m moving in a week and plan on dating a fair amount. I wish I were more in practice. I’m not sure if this is the rebirth of this blog or if I’ll start a new single in the city type of blog or if I’ll keep my amazing dating stories all to myself (yeah right).

I guess what I’m saying is hey, universe, I’m ready.

Far From Fighting Fair (Or At All)

I told Buzz recently about an epic fight I had with an ex many years ago because we went to the restaurant where it all went down. I actually don’t remember many of the details, just that this guy BLEW up in this very public venue because I questioned his use of a word that wasn’t really a word. I think the story is hilarious because it’s just so ridiculous. Buzz couldn’t wrap his head around it, nor should he be able to, it just is so nonsensical!

I am pretty even-keeled, but have some pretty good fight stories, most of which, I think in hindsight are funny because it’s a flashing sign that these men were totally wrong for me. Buzz has had some pretty great (read: ridiculous) fights with wrong-for-him-if-I-do-say-so-myself girlfriends too.

He’s also pretty calm, so when we added our personalities + being a little crazy for each other + our open communication, we started wondering WHAT it was that we WERE going to fight about, first or ever. I can’t imagine getting that mad at him or him getting that mad at me…have I mentioned it’s going amazingly well so far?

I know there are issues that can polarize any couple and that because your partner knows you best, he or she also knows best how to push your buttons, so while it may seem morbid to try to guess what we’ll fight over, I think it’s just realistic and healthy.

I relayed the convo to my celebrating-his-20th-anniversary-this-year boss the next day when he asked how things were going and he thought it was hilarious that I didn’t know what couples fought about. And he offered to make a list. Oh, cranky married people.

Time will tell what Buzz and I will get feisty about first, but I’m pretty sure the make up sex will be fantastic!

What is the most ridiculous fight you’ve had with a significant other? When was the first fight you had with your current partner and what was it about?

Exposed

So the boy knows about this blog. Can you believe such a thing? Yeah, THAT happened on our cozy weekend away after a few whiskeys.

Is it cheating to have two and a half years of not only my relationship history but my intimate thoughts and feelings laid out for him? Maybe, but I’m loving the openness of our relationship and I want him to know me and my writing is me.

I will admit though, that a few days after returning he said he was going to do some blog reading and my initial reaction was to trash the entire site. ABORT ABORT.

I’m so glad I didn’t. I just meandered around some of my archives and found some great posts, some things I forgot about. I kinda like reconnecting with 26-year-old MJ and having a (total public and awkward) record of how I got where I am.

I did, however, stay up late that night trying to race ahead of him to censor a few things that really don’t matter anymore. But, yes, Buzz, I’ll give you the deets if ever you ask, because it’s still me and you make me feel safe and okay with that.

What’s the Buzz?

My good friend asked me if I wanted to join her for a 5K last weekend, to which I had to reply with “well, I’d like to, but I’m going out of town with a guy. There’s a guy. I feel weird I haven’t told you about him yet.”

I’d seen her a few times since meeting Buzz and this is the same friend who had the CTJ with me about Lucky, so it’s definitely in our realm of girlfriend chatter, but each time we were in big groups and I don’t know how to bring up good things like this. She, again no holds barred, told me I SHOULD feel weird. And that’s why we’re friends.

I prefer self-deprecation and dating stories that are so bad they’re good, but this one is just good. I was walking the line of it being so awesome I wanted to tell everyone and their mom about it and it being so awesome I wanted to keep it all to myself. So, yeah, either way it’s awesome.

So this is my way of also awkwardly telling you something that is only getting more awkward based on the fact that I’ve been holding out for so long.

How long? Seven weeks, not that I’m counting like a 16-year-old girl.

The deets? He’s a very age-appropriate 30. We met on Match, but depending on our level of intoxication, you may get another story if you ask. We did the standard progression of dates and on our third, I found out he’s a good cook and a great kisser. He’s smart and funny and sweet and will admit to nerding it out at times. He’s tall and a cuddler, which works well because he’s perfect to cuddle into. Oh, and last week he made it Facebook official, which worked out FAR better for him than the last guy who tried that one.

Why Buzz? Fortunately we really enjoy each other’s company, but UNfortunately, we have sometimes-opposite schedules, so so far, our relationship has been fueled by Starbucks, 5-Hour Energy and Red Bull. I’m buzzing 🙂

All Those Dates

The 34-year-old marrying kind

This guy interrogated me. I felt like I was being screened for the position of wifey – did I live close by to have a convenient relationship, did our work schedules and sleep schedules mostly match, did we like the same foods, how many kids did I want. This was all via text btw. Heaven forbid we waste our time having a beer if I wasn’t willing to split Thanksgiving and Christmas between out two families. Okay, he didn’t ask that, but he may have eventually and it would have been too soon!

The 33-year old professional golfer

Despite having hair, he told me to look for the bald guy – hardy har har. He could have just told me to look for the guy with the awesome sock tan. It wasn’t bad, wasn’t good, wasn’t much of anything. He was too meek for my tastes.

The 22-year old baby manager

Yes, after our kiss in the rain, he hung around for a while. I decided it could just be fun, but he made it decidedly unfun. He wanted to date, but didn’t want to TALK to me and wasn’t very giving if you know what I mean. Ultimately, he broke up with me via text because he kept inviting me out with him and his friend, so I became friends with him and went to lunch with him because he works up by me. I actually think it’s a pretty funny story.

The 38-year-old bald westsider

I know. I know. In my last post I discussed how being from the westside is a flag in and of itself. Something about this guy’s smile reminded me of an ex, so I went for it. He was 25 minutes late. It was a totally dead restaurant and I was sitting at the bar, so I had to wait for the bartender to walk to the other side so I didn’t feel as lame and left at 20, then got a text while I was driving away that he “got there early and to look for the guy that’s 300 pounds.” First of all, making a cliché joke about online dating is lame, but for some reason popular with these guys, second of all, he was so late, but given that it apparently was a misunderstanding – he had set the time a week in advance and in confirming the date that day, neither of us confirmed the time – I turned back. Before I could give him shit for being late, he apologized, saying he thought the restaurant he picked was more expensive, which is kind of a lame excuse since there are ways to check on that if it was important to him and it wasn’t important to me. He then said we should have gone to a place two doors down, that yes, was more expensive, but that he wasn’t dressed for and he didn’t actually mean it because we stayed there. And THEN I got to tell him about his massive failure. His profile was a little misleading and the convo wasn’t all that great…I felt like I was being interrogated and he badmouthed Arizona and Scottsdale (pet peeve) and criticized my yoga approach even though he’s never done it. The date wasn’t bad enough to walk out on and I don’t have the balls to just call it an early night, so I put up with it and then he hugged me, asked me out again (wtf do you say?) then hugged me again and kissed my cheek and I was free. Fortunately the next day, he acknowledged he put me on the spot and did I actually want to go out again? So I said no.

This is why he’s single.

I started back up on Match. Ugh. My super optimistic plan is to fail in the first six months I’ve paid for to get their free six month guarantee.

One of my NYR is to go on 12 dates. It’s not many, but it sets a standard to go out at least once a month and Match is a good way to meet at least one guy a month to go out with without feeling like I’m going overboard and dating for dinner (although, skipping ahead a bit, that’s what I felt like this week).

However, since starting back on Match and in theory telling the universe I’m ready, I’m finding other options popping up. But that’s for another time. This post is really about how if I keep up with the bullshit of online dating I’ll get fat.

Not only will there be a lot of drinking and eating on dates, I tend to promise myself I’ll stop for a sweet treat if the date’s a bust. This week my first date since being back was no exception. I feel like everything about this guy screamed, “this is why I’m single!”

He lives in Glendale. A red flag I somehow missed in the qualifying stages.

He looked good in most pictures, but there was one that made me question it. The unfitting pieces sticking out in the one picture stuck out even more when I met him.

But, the date was set – and let’s be honest, month #1 was wrapping up and I appreciate staying on track – so off I went (to the place where I got dumped, then didn’t care that I got dumped because I had Lucky, ugh). And more NOs popped up.

He had bad teeth.

And he is 33 with four roommates.

And he has a terrible laugh (one of those, like uh huh huh huuuh, does that make sense?).

And he talked about himself, bourbon and sports (the boring ones) excessively, using “like” to pepper his sentences like (a proper use) a valley girl circa 1993.

And he had no clue I was sooo checked out the entire time. He was too busy burping.

Eventually the night ended, not early enough, but still with froyo piled with chocolate.

And now it’s been a few days and I haven’t heard from him. Um, he can’t reject me, I’m rejecting him!

I kissed in the rain.

Ask and ye shall receive.

Last week a few storms rolled through and perhaps the change in weather also brought about a change in my feelings about the Baby Manager. They were unsure before, but a casual invite out with him and a friend, even though he haven’t seen each other since our yoga and sushi date, turned into a fun time and him walking me out to my car and kissing in the rain.

101 in Never Gonna Happen

Hot damn was I excited about 101 in 1001 when I started (which apparently is a post I wrote on an old blog). And OMG did March 23, 2013 sound soooo far away! Now with 68 days left, I’m 68% complete. Well, 101 in 1001, GFY!

A few weeks ago, I realized #48 “share a magical NYE midnight kiss” was not going to happen. I figured with three shots, it was a given. While my New Year’s Eves have gotten progressively better, none of them have involved a certain someone special.

Maybe I’ll meet him this year. Maybe not only before March 23, but before the ONE day of rain we’re likely to have in the desert between now and then so I can cross off #74 “kiss in the rain.” WTF is that? I blame growing up on Dawson’s Creek.

So, what’s a girl to do? A 68-day blitz spent running around doing silly things that were important to 26-year-old me? A new list? A newfound disregard for all things list-like? Yeah right. But, I think I’m just going to stick with my resolutions for now.

What’s my age again?

After going out with a boy who looks young enough to be my son, a guy interviewing for a quick, cozy high school relationship and a guy who skateboarded to our first date, I was ready for a man and Mr. Grocery Store was wearing me down so I agreed to go out with him again. Don’t judge me. I was contemplating ways to ask him to buy me shiny things. That’s probably not helping with the judging thing.

On our planned date day, I didn’t hear from him to make plans. Yes, I could have texted him, but part of looking forward to dating a man is that you feel pursued and you know things will be handled.

I went for a run after work, probably too late to get ready for a date, but by that point I was over it. Apparently so was he. I heard from him at 6:45: “Sorry can’t make it another time.”

Wait, what?! I kinda think maybe it was part of a game…like I made it so hard for him to see me, that he decided to give me a taste of my own medicine and take back some of the power? I also kinda think I think too much. I didn’t respond.

The next day, I got this: “Emjaye. What a wuss!” Now I’m not even sure what this means. I was a wuss because I didn’t call him on his Wednesday bullshit?  Again, thinking too much to explain men who just don’t make sense. Again, didn’t respond.

Remember when I said I’d probably run into him everywhere after the last time I called things off? I didn’t. Apparently things weren’t awkward enough yet. After this most recent failed date, now it’s awkward enough so of course I ran into him! On Friday on my way into the gym I saw him before he saw me as we were walking toward each other. I waved and said hi and his reaction was priceless.

His initial reaction was to smile and his body language was open, but then I could see him remember the past few days and his shoulders hunched and he gave me a “I’m too cool” head nod and changed direction! Someone’s a sulky little boy.

So, my question is…WHAT would the point of dating someone old enough to be my dad be if he still acts like the late-20s dudes I am at least more attracted to and are better kissers anyway?!

But he’s SO cute.

I love HIMYM because it’s real and I can always relate it to my life. There’s an episode in which Barney describes the hot-crazy scale. A woman can be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. The first time I saw the episode, I wondered where I fell on the scale (I can admit I’m a little quirky), but now I realize it’s not just for chicks.

Last week, I signed up for Plenty of Fish (I know you see where this is going…this is obviously where all the crazies hang out). I was immediately over- and underwhelmed all at the same time, but I decided to actually give it a shot – a week – before bailing. Countless “hey” messages, too many emails from the westside and an unfortunate number of messages from younger guys filled up my inbox. Being on that site, the options are endless, so why would I waste time with a too-young guy who can’t write a decent message and lives an hour away? Delete, delete, delete.

I did manage to find a few decent guys, including one we’ll call Matt. Matt is mid-30s, a fit 6’3″ and if everyone supposedly looks like a celeb, he looks like Matt Damon (thus his super creative fake name). He works as a firefighter, but has a graduate degree and wrote a thoughtful first message. He seemed top-shelf for the site and I actually considered he was fake until he started bugging me to hang out. Not asking – bugging.

It came off as truly whiny and he was bugging me about it without actually asking me out for a specific day or time or activity – you know…like how NORMAL people make plans! I wanted to meet him, but I wasn’t going to cancel existing plans to do so and I wasn’t going to just stop by his work as he suggested because I’m not in high school. He told me I didn’t seem interested in meeting or learning about him. Womp, womp, womp.

Were we having out first fight?! Before we even met?!

So I had to have a CTJ with him about how dating works. He admittedly was a relationship guy and didn’t like dating. Ahem, because he’s BAD at it. Now, obviously I’m not the authority on the subject, but I know what works for me and generally I’ve found it vibes with most men as well. If there’s a spark, the guidelines all go out the window anyway and it just feels right and you don’t worry about it. It was not vibing with Matt.

He calmed down a bit, but still kept pushing, even on Saturday morning when we were meeting at 11. He sent me a text at 9:15 to ask if I could do earlier. Keep in mind, we had connected online I think on Wednesday and exchanged numbers on Thursday.

I told him I was starting a yoga class that got over at 10:45 and that’s when I’d be at the Starbucks across the street to meet him. So, yeah, that’s how excited I was about meeting this guy – I slid him in after a yoga class when I’d be sweaty and maybe a little stinky at the coffee shop I’d probably stop at on my way home anyway. He took note, but I don’t think he was all that offended.

Matt walked in a minute or so after me and looked just like his pictures – super cute, tall, solidly built. We got coffee, we grabbed a table outside, we had a conversation. Actually for about an hour and a half.

It was a normal date, but besides his super-quiet talking, something else was just a little off. Some of his conversation topics (past relationships), his future planning (I think he may have asked me to go with him to Oregon to his mom’s for Christmas?)…they just weren’t working. He was definitely trying to qualify me for this girlfriend position he apparently has open and I think he tried to have a CTJ with me about how I need to step it up and show interest.

I think I was distracted at the time – his eyes were beautiful, he had spectacular teeth and his shirt was just the right amount of tight – but I left feeling neither good nor bad about it. He bugged me to see each other again, but again without actually attempting to make plans. I again offered two days, he picked one.

On Tuesday, I realized we had talked over the weekend, but not on Monday and about that time got a “good morning, hope you have a good day” text from Matt. I responded with a “Thanks! You too!” And got an “okay, stranger.”

That was when I had to pull the trigger. I actually thought back and forth for a while, “he’s so cute…but he’s so weird…but he’s so cute, maybe he’s just awkward at first.” Ultimately I couldn’t get past it. I texted back to let him know while I appreciate his physical beauty and that we have things in common, we should skip Thursday because it wasn’t going to work out. He texted: “Agreed.”

Done and done.

I understand where he was coming from with his whining (although I obviously did not agree with his delivery)…he wanted to gauge chemistry and meet up and have me show interest, but you can’t force any of that and I really feel like he was trying to because we have similar interests and live somewhat close together and I think he liked my work schedule. Convenience does not a relationship make. And apparently neither does a guy just being really pretty to look at. It might have developed, but he didn’t give it any room to breathe, which is pretty much a flashing red flag that it is not going to work! He apparently saw it too, so why was he pushing it?!